Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
You Might Also Like
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.