WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
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Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
for all #parents out there
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.