Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
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me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM