Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
You Might Also Like
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Dune (2021)
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.