Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.