WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.