WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I don’t get marriage
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
sliding into dms like
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
the noise i just made
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM