WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
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I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh