wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
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Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
yeah 😭
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Me recordaron éste meme
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.