Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

I just love that new Pope smell.