wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
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I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Whoa… oh I see lol
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.