WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
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i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo