wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
not for long