@greenmartinis I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
@iwearaonesie wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
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@greenmartinis 
@ericsshadow “We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
@MakesYouGiggle Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
@seamusmckracken Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
@DaddyJew Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
@TheTweetOfGod When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
@Aspersioncast Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
@thepaulasuzanne I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
@SvnSxty Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
@flashember [zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people