Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

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we lost our power
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds


I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.


Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.


A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.


My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.


Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?


How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !


HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no


@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?


The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all