Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit