Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
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In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*