we lost our power
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
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I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all