@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

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@karanbirtinna

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

@BuckyIsotope

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

@MsLisaM

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

@LMLMadness

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

@aimlessamers

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

@0ne_1980

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

@TheAlexP

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

@MaryKoCo

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*