@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

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@murrman5

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

@Dawn_M_

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

@vineyille

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

@Roweboat13G

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

@eddiesnextwife

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

@PhilJamesson

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

@bryanmcc74

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

@panmidwest

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

@kathyrinkes

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

@Book_Krazy

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all