@karanbirtinna Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
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@karanbirtinna 
@StuForReal In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
@BuckyIsotope Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
@MsLisaM I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
@LMLMadness My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
@aimlessamers Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
@0ne_1980 he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
@SlipperySecret Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
@TheAlexP * feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
@MaryKoCo *Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*