Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
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Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Does it…does it take 3 days
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Sorry. Not sorry
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.