WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
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Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.