WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed