WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
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… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.