Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I see your IQ test came back negative
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.