Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You Might Also Like
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.