wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
It has been 3 years since Monday.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]