@iwearaonesie

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

You Might Also Like

@BigJDubz

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

@

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

@yung__spider

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

@dafloydsta

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

@JermHimselfish

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

@Quartzjixler

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

@UnFitz

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

@JohnHilsen

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

@iEmmaStoner

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.