Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
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Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.