Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
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Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
A game married people play.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
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