Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
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You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Why font matters.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?