Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
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Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her