Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
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I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
True statement👍😏😁
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.