*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
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I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.