Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
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In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap