Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting