WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
fired
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?