WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey