Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
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If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Otters see a butterfly.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Has there ever been a more American story?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*