wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you