@SortaBad Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
@RodLacroix Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
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@SortaBad 
@ozzyunc When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
@ddsmidt I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
@JohnHilsen Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
@GreenishDuck People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
@anbrll00 Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
@Cpin42 [God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
@IamJackBoot I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
@TheAlexNevil Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
@NoDomesticDiva A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.