Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

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Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*


When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.


I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.


Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.


People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.


Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.


[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.


I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.


Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”


A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.