@RodLacroix

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

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@SortaBad

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

@ozzyunc

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

@ddsmidt

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

@JohnHilsen

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

@GreenishDuck

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

@anbrll00

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

@Cpin42

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

@IamJackBoot

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

@TheAlexNevil

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

@NoDomesticDiva

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.