Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
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I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Monday
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Whoa 😂
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.