Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.