Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
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My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
What number SPF blocks people?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain