Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
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My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Spa day..😅
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”