WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
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I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”