Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?