WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
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Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
A leaf blower, but for people.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.