wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
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Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…