Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
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I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Alexa: *deep breath*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.