wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Tier 3 meme
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Haha good job!!
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.