Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
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Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist