wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
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Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.