Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”