Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
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“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.