*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.