Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
me hooking up with my ex
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*