wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
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ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
i think we should see other cousins
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*