WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
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Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.