WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.