WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part