Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
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If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade